Introduction

Introduction to Strength & Honor 10.15

I found my first introduction to D/s relationships in "The Story of O (1954), which I read as a teenager, in John Newman's "Gor" books (Tarnsman of Gor, (1967) et. al.) at university, and Ann Rice's "Sleeping Beauty" trilogy in the '80s.  These and other novels have provided the erotic grist that fed my imagination and the imaginations of countless would-be dominants and submissives alike.

But I am neither a prince in a "land far, far, away," a member of a French secret society with its own chateau, nor a man transported to another world.   So, and perhaps like the rest of us, I have had to find ways to translate fantasy into some kind of satisfactory reality; a reality suitable for real men and women living in the here and now.   I had to find the master's strength and honor within me, while searching for that special person who believes that she was not only born to serve, but born to serve me.

If you are a submissive, my purpose is to: talk, pass along some of my experiences and insights, and perhaps mentor you on your very personal path towards your master.  I would also hope that other masters/doms will find value in these pages.

As you read on, you will find that I use M/s and D/s somewhat interchangeably.  M/s more commonly indicates a master/slave relationship whereas D/s by in itself refers to any dominant/submissive relationship.  In fact, both are dominant/submissive relationships.  Additionally, I use 'kink' and 'kinky' to refer to any sexual relationship that includes the many forms of BDSM: discipline (whipping, spanking, and other impact fetishes), dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism, etc.

A D/s relationship is but one of a great many ways people in the lifestyle relate to each other.  This sort of relationship can take considerable effort, and consequently for this and other reasons, is almost certainly not for everyone.  It’s not just about two people living together with kinky sex adding spice to their lives.  Rather, it is about the submissive willingly and consensually ceding control and authority to the dominant.  The dominant takes responsibility for that control and for making all the conscious decisions within the relationship.  While the submissive may voice a dissenting vote, the dominant always makes the final decision.

My purpose and focus in these pages is to clarify, explain, define, and especially demythologize the things that I believe are barriers to obtaining a fulfilling D/s relationship.  To me, a true D/s relationship will, by definition, become 24/7.  Yes, there is a process / path (more on this later) but the end goal is a committed relationship in which a power exchange shapes and pervades all of the partners’ interactions and which is 24/7.  I feel this is important because, if you can't live it, it has little more purpose than to feed one's libido.  That's the stuff of fantasy or porn, not reality.

Creating a D/s relationship is a very personal, completely human activity that will always reflect the unique ideas, preferences, and agreements of the people in the relationship. There is no cookie-cutter recipe except that you follow the desires of the heart.

In the end, all D/s relationships are human relationships, and kink, domination, submission or anything else, for that matter, will not change the fact that everyone - dominant/master and submissive/slave are human.  Intellect, ethics, emotion, physical attributes, finances, morals, and yes, the larger vanilla world, are part and parcel of all of our relationships.   Readily assumed roles can be un-assumed just as readily - just ask any divorce lawyer.

Ultimately, healthy relationships are built on faithfulness to oneself, not to some idealized fantasy of how one thinks things should be.  As Malcolm Forbes said, "With all of your getting, get understanding."

As a dominant male, I have specific ways of doing things, and how I want them done.  This is for better or for worse.  For me, the personal characteristics that make up 'Strength and Honor' are instinctive.  This is the basic reason why I have chosen this handle for this site and conversation.  But to me, Strength and Honor concerns itself with much more.

I use the Latin - 'Virtus et Honestas' because I believe that the real force for us as people of the 21st. Century lies in the root definition of this phrase.  So I am turning to its roots for my inspiration and this is how I'm using and defining it.

I believe that there was a day when people actually thought about such things, when people were moved by such concepts. Today, it’s a line from a movie; as anyone who has seen "Gladiator" will recall.  We hardly think twice about what it actually means.

A side-note.  Strength and Honor apples equalled to women.  The difference is in the characteristics that it manifests.  One need go no further than the classic Zen 'Yin-Yang symbol as a starting proof.

So, what does it mean?  'Be strong,'

'Virtus' -'Strength' can be concrete and physical.  But what does it mean for us to have strength?  Is it only physical strength?  Not specifically.  It means you must have strength of the heart and soul and mind. Strength of your convictions & your beliefs. It means you work to grow, to get “stronger” at something. You never stop growing,  you never stop “working out”. It means you might be able to heft large rocks, but you shouldn’t bash people in the head with said rocks for cheap entertainment… 'Virtus' also invariably includes courage, 'grit,' and mastery to the traits that constitute the most basic code of men.

Have honor.

'Honestas' is the honor that actually resides within the person as an intrinsic value and having a reputation worthy of respect and admiration.  To be honorable is to respect yourself and others.  Honorable men (and women) are selfless, they stand up for the little guy. Honorable men treat everyone with respect. Not just those who we feel deserve it, or those who are easy to respect.  Everyone.

While codes of honor have varied across time and cultures, honor is particularly universal to both men and women, its standards have historically been gendered; manly virtues and womanly virtues are invariably different although equally significant.

Traditional manly honor is a very public and external thing.  It requires a man to behave honorably and suffer social consequences for not living up to the code of honorable behavior.  When primitive tribesmen, knights, and the Founding Fathers spoke of honor, this is the type of honor they meant.

True honor also has integrity.  When you say you are going to do something, you do it.  If you do something, you do it to the best of your ability.  You are honest, caring, and accept responsibility for your actions.

What would the world look like if we all (men and women) started living our lives with strength and honor? I think the world would be a much better place to live.

“A Man Without Honor is Worse than Dead.”
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

A man with charm is an entertaining thing, and a man with looks is, of course, a sight to behold, but a man with honor - ah, he is the one, dear reader, to which young ladies should flock.”
― Julia Quinn, The Viscount Who Loved Me

A new philosophical construct.

What I'm doing is proposing a new construct  - one that is based on, and draws on - existing ideas and practices.

So, 'Virtus et Honestas' is a new structure built from familiar concepts.  A D/s (or M/s, if you prefer) "Taken in Hand," etc. relationships have a kernel of the "Natural" order of things and consequently do not veer off into kink.  It is correct and proper.  Interestingly enough, there is a significant body of peer reviewed anthropological research to support this conclusion.  <hot link coming>

Definitions, and their understanding / perception are important.  What is D/s?  What is Taken in Hand?  How are they different?  The same?  Agreement is difficult to achieve.  Using the same terms for substantially different types of relationships perpetuates confusion, causes unnecessary arguments, and makes it harder forlike-minded people to connect.  My goal then, is to use a new construct with a very specific definitions and structures built from familiar concepts.

As I am using it, I believe that 'Virtus et Honestas' should have the following 12 constituent parts.  For the purpose of this conversation, these are my definitions.  I rely on Webster's a great deal, but not exclusively, as I use other referee sources as necessary.  The parts are:  1.  Consent,  2.  Commitment,  3.  Responsibility,  4.  Respect,  5.  Dignity,  6.  Authenticity,  7.  Ownership;  8.  Possession,  9.  Hearth,  10.  Service,  11.  Discipline, and 12.  Rituals.

Strength and Honor definitions

For the purpose of these conversations, these are the meanings or definitions which apply to both the terms used and all individuals involved.

1.  Consent.

Consent is an explicit agreement to acts, terms, and conditions. It can be confirmed verbally and/or in writing, granted in many ways and be limited both in duration and content.  Consent is a vital element in all relationships and is simultaneously a personal, ethical, and social element of physical play, psychological play, and anything else.

In the realm of Lifestyle matters, 'consent' should (must) also include 'Informed Consent' which is the idea that consent is offered with sufficient information and understanding of what is being agreed upon.  As in vanilla society, if an impairment of mental state (capacity, intimidation, etc.) or decision making abilities is present, informed, rational consent cannot be given.   The same test should (must) to be used in Lifestyle matters.

While true legal consent is a largely separate matter, consent is what generally separates legally actionable harm (torts) from legitimate personal freedom.  Acts undertaken with a lack of consent are generally considered abusive or criminal.

Consent can be granted for an hour or a day or a year.  In the Life, it is not unusual to grant consent only for an hour or for an evening.  For long term consent, Lifestyle "contracts" sometimes called  a "Slave Contract" is used.  A Slave Contract is typically a way of defining the nature and limits of the relationship.  Unlike Pre-Nuptial Agreements, a slave contract is not legally binding; in fact, slave contracts are and have been illegal in USA since 1865, with the passage of 13th amendment.

This can create something of a dilemma.  So, consent, for all Strength and Honor participants, participation is informed, voluntarily entered into, respectful, and ethically binding.  True Strength and Honor comes from within.

2.  Commitment.

Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, a pledge, or undertaking, etc.

"I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can't get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That's in friendship, that's a deal, that's a commitment. Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life."
― Jerry Lewis

3.  Responsibility,

Responsibility is the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone.

“People have forgotten this truth," the fox said. "But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

4.  Respect,

Respect is defined as a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem.

It can also be conduct in accord with a specific ethic of respect.  Conversely, Rude conduct is usually considered to indicate a lack of respect.  Respect is both given and received and is also earned.  It should not be confused with tolerance.  Respect for both people and inanimate property is the basis for the ancient customs of hosts and guests, in both the domestic and public spheres.  It is the balance between personal freedom and not being deliberately offensive.

“Respect for right conduct is felt by every body.”
― Jane Austen, Emma

“Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity

5. Dignity,

Dignity is defined as a way of appearing or behaving that suggests seriousness and self-control, and is the quality of being worthy of honor or respect and receive ethical treatment.

Conversely, if you really want the lead role in a play and you try to bribe the director to give it to you, she might say, “Have you no dignity?”  Ultimately, someone with dignity carries herself well. If you lose an election, and you graciously congratulate your opponent, and accept the results, then you are behaving in a dignified manner.

In practical terms, dignity comes from within.  Maintaining dignity requires you to be honest, to not lie cheat, or steal, always give your best effort, and keep your word.  It also means not compromising on one's own freedom, including making oneself dependent on others because of lack of self-discipline.

“Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best.  At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, The Notebooks of Lazarus Long

6.  Authenticity,

Authenticity is the quality or condition of being authentic, trustworthy, or genuine.  Similarly authenticity refers to the truthfulness of origins, attributions, commitments, sincerity, devotion, and intentions.

"The problem with quotes on the internet is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."
 ― Abraham Lincoln, President

7.  Ownership;

Ownership is defined as the state or fact of being an owner, the relation of an owner to the thing possessed, possession with the right to transfer possession to others, the act of having and controlling property and/or the state or fact of being an owner.  An owner does not necessarily have to posses his property.

Ownership is heavily interwoven with Property rights.  That is, what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine.  Property rights protect every person from undue interference in his affairs by others.  Property rights enable every person to live his own life, using the resources he’s earned as he sees fit.

In modern Western societies, people's beliefs about exclusive ownership of property ranges from it is the source of social injustice and tyranny to ownership of wealth as the driving factor behind human technological advancement and increasing standards of living.  Libertarians add that it is also necessary for liberty itself.

In virtually all modern societies, a person's body cannot legally be the property of anyone but the person whose body it is. This is in contra-distinction to chattel slavery.  Chattel slavery is defined as the absolute legal ownership of a person, including the legal right to buy and sell them. The slaves do not have the freedom to live life as they choose, but rather as they are instructed by their owners, and their rights may be either severely limited or nonexistent.

Slavery is currently illegal in every country around the world, however, up until the 19th century slavery and ownership of people had existed in one form or another, at one time or another, in nearly every society on earth.  Notwithstanding the illegality according to codes of law, slavery still exists in various forms today.

For our use / purpose here, and for Lifestyle participants, consensual ownership is the tie that binds.

8.  Possession,

Possession is defined as the act or fact of possessing, the state of being possessed, or ownership.  In Law, it is the actual holding or occupancy, either with or without rights of ownership.  Other definitions include property or wealth and physical control.

For Lifestyle participants today, consensual possession like ownership is the tie that binds.

"The possession of anything begins in the mind."
 ― Bruce Lee

9.  Hearth,

Literally, the floor of a fireplace, usually extending into a room and paved with brick, flagstone, or cement.  From the beginning of Human history, the hearth has literally and emotionally been the center of the home and used for heating and for cooking food and usually its central and most important feature, that the concept has been generalized to refer to a home-place or household, as in the terms "hearth and home" and "keep the home fires burning".

Culturally, Hearth and Home is "a safe place," a place where one experiences secure relationships and affirmation. It's a place where people share and understand each other.  Ultimately, it's relationships are nurturing.  The people in it do not need to be perfect; instead, they need to be honest and supportive, recognizing the bonds that bind the home together.

10.  Service;

In this context, Service is defined as an act of helpful activity; to do someone a service.  Also, to be at someone's service, ready to be of help or use to someone; at one's disposal; To be of service, to be helpful or useful.

Service also provides opportunities to overcome feelings of false entitlement, misplaced pride, and is also something to take pride in providing, Service is not limited to domestic work or sexual use.  It may also include companionship, managing accounts, improving the house, learning new skills or acting as a social secretary.

“Don't mistake activity with achievement.”
― John Wooden

“Service is not something you do. It is something you are.”
― Stella Payton

11.  Discipline;

Discipline is the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.  It is also the controlled behavior resulting from discipline;  activity or experience that provides mental or physical training.

“Discipline isn't about showing a dog who's boss; it's about taking responsibility for a living creature you have brought into your world.”
― Cesar Millan

12.  Rituals.

A ritual is the performance of ceremonial acts prescribed by tradition or by religious decree.  Rituals as the symbolic behaviors we perform before, during, and after meaningful event are surprisingly ubiquitous, across culture and time and take an extraordinary array of shapes and forms.

People engage in rituals with the intention of achieving a wide set of desired outcomes, from reducing their anxiety to boosting their confidence, alleviating their grief to performing well in a competition – or even making it rain.

Recent research studies have revealed that rituals can have a causal impact on people’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  So, the rituals of a 1950s household, being met at the door with slippers and martinis, for example, are now seen as being highly beneficial to the participants.  The bottom line is the rituals enhanced the people’s confidence in their abilities, motivates them towards greater efforts – and improves subsequent performance.